LIVING WITH ANXIETY
To me there are three types of people in this world...
. The Normal People
who seem to have a good grip on reality.
They work, they play, they socialise. They get a promotion every now and again, they leave their homes without the burden of a thousand thoughts following them.
The ones at the party that seem to always have someone they're talking to, laughing and not worrying about what they're going to say next.
. The weird Ones
who have somehow harnessed their weirdness and turned it into Art and live a successful life making money from their inner turmoils.
The artists, the actors the poets.
The ones who somehow pull off wearing circle glasses and bright red skinny jeans.
When their at the party not talking to anyone they do it artistically!
. The people like me.
Harnessing their gift of weirdness successfully?… NO!
Before I Evan get to the party I have imagined the layout of the house where the kitchen is where the sofa is. And if I get there and the layout is different I feel unprepared.
( The strange thing is 99% of the time i get the layout right. Evan the toilet is where i imagined it. Spooky! )
Yes we have a creative arty side, but by the Time we have spent hours on our art we decide it would be better for people to not see what you're capable of in case its not good enough. So we delete it, hide it, rub it out.
By the time I’ve driven from home to work I have imagined every scenario that could possibly go wrong on the journey.
From hitting a cyclist because I didn’t fully scrape the ice off my car which impaired my vision and led to 25 years jail time.
To being at a red light whilst a helicopter above is transporting a great white shark to repopulate dwindling numbers in Australia,
but they didn’t attach the water filled cage properly thus leading to it tumbling down and causing my death.
The fact that a helicopter wouldn’t have the petrol capacity to make it to Australia or the fact that if a shark can’t swim forward it dies of suffocation doesn't seem to stop the thought of my impending doom.
My imagination that was meant to be a gift has become a curse
(all be it slightly comical sometimes)
Am I the only one?
If your still reading this its either because you know me personally or your wondering the same thing!
Have you passed away multiple times a day from cascading sharks or re watched in your mind the moment the police tell your loved ones that you are no more because of a car crash a rouge piece of toast that got lodged in your esophagus.
Or perhaps the police are telling you of the loss of someone you love.
Either way, we can’t keep living like this!
So what’s the answer?
(Well I’m not quite there yet, but I can give you some advice that has helped me.)
Feed you mind the right food
Unfortunately my one vice is also my enemy! Alcohol!!!
I use to want to shut out the noise in my mind and be free from me. The easiest way was alcohol!
Confident! Cocky Evan! Talk to strangers, dance like no ones watching, feel beautiful Evan if my makeup had smudged so much from dancing sweat that I look like a Tim Burton character!
What a rush but my one night of freedom would cost me what felt like a weeks worth of serotonin. The happy chemical that your body rations for you I had spent in one night.
Which meant a week ahead with an empty tank and an extra dose of depressive thinking and a numbness to joy.
If you're the same as me I’m afraid we don’t have the luxury of running away to a fake truth. The price is too costly.
You don’t have to go tea total but binging is not what we deserve for ourselves.
And I’m sure I don’t need to lecture anyone on the positive affects fruit and veg will do for you swell as dark chocolate.
Go easy on the sugar too! I’m still working on that one.
Guard Your Eyes.
Its true what they say that the eyes are the window to your soul, And people like us with highly sensitive souls need to be careful what we are watching.
It took me 10 years to get over a Goosebumps episode featuring a werwolf!
And now Zombie’s are what I think about when I’m alone in a public toilet.
Horror movies are permanently off the table!! My mind doesn't need that fodder to chew on.
Disaster movies are triggering all be them enticing.
Depressing TV This could be depressing dramas or too much of the News!! Remember fear sells and the media love money!!
Purposely seek joy!
I have a video on this that may help so I will try and add it for you.
It could be as small as…
the noise the button makes in the elevator
Coming home from the cold and getting into a warm bubble bath
A new candle
The satisfying feeling off slicing tofu
The options are endless and I’m sure you have much better ones but the main. Point is to notice them.
I hope if nothing else this blog has made you realise you are not the only strange person on this planet. In fact after reading this you may Evan be thinking hay I’m not so bad compared to this weirdo.
The point is weird is beautiful we just have to unlearn what we thought beauty was. I can’t wright this without mentioning my relationship with Jesus.
I know that name can have so many negative connotations and for some just conjures the thought of bake sales and hypocrites but without his truth and his love Im not sure I would have any sanity at all.
When I say I am nothing he say’s you are loved!
When I say I can’t carry it any more he say’s give it to me.
I would encourage you to seek his name because he is peace.
Thanks for reading if you have enjoyed do subscribe to the blog for more
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